Quick Note: this post is mostly about dating/courting relationships. Caleb and Kelsey, who did the cover I posted on Monday, are married, s...

Thoughtful Thursdays: Why I Don’t Like Super "Romantic" Love Songs

Quick Note: this post is mostly about dating/courting relationships. Caleb and Kelsey, who did the cover I posted on Monday, are married, so I don’t know, maybe it’s okay, even good, that they feel that way about each other. Anyway, this post is based upon the way the song was originally sung, between two people who were not married, and based on the way I think many teenagers see relationships.

Original photo from Pixabay
But how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
Cuz my world revolves around you
It’s so hard for me to breathe...
If you ain’t here, I just can't breathe
It’s no air, no air.

Sounds so romantic, doesn’t it? So sweet and adorable and gorgeous and perfect. I listen to it and I imagine someone singing like that to me someday, needing me like that.

And then I wake up, because I’m not sure that’s really what I want.

Romantic and sweet as they are, I don’t really like songs like “No Air.” Okay, so I do, but in the back of my mind, some part of me whispers, saying this isn’t the type of relationship I want. Sure I wanna fall in love and stuff. I want someone to look at me the way Peeta looks at Katniss, to say I’m beautiful (in foreign languages/accents because we all know that’s gorgeous) the way Ren does to Kelsey, to joke with me and care about me the way Percy does to Annabeth. But I’m not sure I want someone to need me that much, and I’m not sure if I want to need someone that much.

Maybe I’m overthinking it, but when you get to the realm of needing a person like you need air, isn’t that a little... overdependent? I mean, you’re saying that you actually cannot exist without this person, that you would, quite literally, die without them. You’re saying that without them, you’re incomplete, nothing, basically dead. For all intents and purposes, they are you, at least all the parts that matter.

But is it good to put so much identity and trust in someone who is as fallible as you are? Is that oh-so-common line “You complete me,” what we really need to hear?

Because if you love someone because you just need them, because you have these feelings, and you can’t help yourself, then you love them because they’re completing you, because they give you a sense of wholeness. At that point, I think the love then becomes self-serving. Because now you’re expecting something from that other person, you need something from them in order to continue loving them, instead of simply giving what you can to them. In a sense, the love actually becomes selfish. And because love isn’t selfish, that can’t be real, true love.

Because of that, I think you have to be a complete person by yourself before you can love someone completely. Then, rather than the two of you completing each other, you strengthen each other, give and take, maybe not 50/50 all the time, but you dont love them because they make you feel complete, because you're nothing without them. You love them because theyre them, because while love is an emotion, it’s more importantly an action, and an action is something you have to choose. I’d even say that the feeling alone is nothing but infatuation, and if your relationship is based solely upon that, then it isn’t really love. It’s chemicals and hormoneswhich fluctuate on a daily basisall mixed up and thrown together to form a selfish obsession and an unhealthy relationship. Because at that point, you have put all of your trust, all of your “love,” all of your self into a single human being, who may have their good qualities yes, but ultimately is as flawed and imperfect as you are. You’re begging a simple human to fill something in your soul that only God can.

It’s true that we cant be complete in ourselves, but it’s also true thatbecause we are all broken and imperfect and emptyno human can ever completely fill that place for us.

Before marriage, I don’t want to complete someone, to be someone’s air, to be two pieces of a broken heart. Romantic as all that sounds, I want to be one of two people, each complete in Jesus, coming together in marriage to form one better, stronger team. I don’t want that love to be tainted by human selfishness. I don’t want to put that amount of unfair pressure on a man who, try as he might, cannot fulfill me. I don’t want to be so dependent upon an individual who’s as fallible and imperfect as I am. I’d rather put that kind of trust in someone who deserves it, someone who can grow me until I love like He loves, someone who has proven He can handle it, proven Himself completely perfect, completely trustworthy, completely able to handle anything I throw at Him and still love me unconditionally, even to giving His very life for my soul: the Lord Jesus Christ. :D

This has been random thoughts with Alexa. The part of the month where Alexa comes out and shares her random thoughts.

Please share your own thoughts in the comments! Disagree? Agree? I’d love to know and hear the reasons behind it!

P.S.: This doesn’t mean I’m swearing off love songs forever, lol. While I may not completely agree with them, they are still cute and adorable and they do give me feels (which are just hormones and chemistry and electrical reactions, but oh well. One can’t be Spock-level-logical all the time. :) ).

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    A bunch of what you said sounds so much like how I feel it's kinda crazy. I love love songs (for the most part), but I really get tired of hearing people (yes, mostly teenagers) singing about true love and how they love this person SO MUCH that they can't be without them ever ever ever and they just can't imagine life without them and blah blah blah. (And I'm a teenager myself, so I'm not just hating on teenagers. xD) I'm not saying that no teens ever actually experience true love, or love somebody THAT much, or anything like that? I just... hate to imagine thinking I'm only half of what I could be without a guy in my life. And maybe I don't have any right to talk about this since I've never been in love or anything, but oh well. I know of some people who try to ignore God and fill their void with a guy (or... multiple guys) and it never seems to end well.

    Also... -cough- There ARE other things to sing about besides love. Just sayin'. xD

    And I didn't get a chance to watch it or comment Monday, but that cover is really great. I ADORE it when husbands/wives sing together. It's super adorable and feelsy and goals and beautiful and I love it. And wow... they seem to have done that whole song in one take. That's pretty amazing. o.O

    1. Thank you! Yeah, I'm a teenager too (17) so definitely not hating. I just wanted people to understand what they were actually saying and how it's not particularly wise.
      *nods* Totally agree with everything you said, even down to never having been in a real relationship. But I don't you think have to be in one to see where it's headed. In fact, I think that you'll get a better perspective if you're /not/ in the middle of it.

      Lol, true that. ;)

      I KNOW RIGHT??!! Like I said, I love that cover so much, and yeah, it definitely looks like they went out, sung it all at once, and just totally poured themselves into it. It's really pretty. <3

  2. Thank you for sharing this, Alexa. It's something I needed to be reminded of tonight.

  3. Absolutely agree! We must be complete in ourselves and God and not through ANY other person, and marriage to to help the OTHER person, not just satisfy our own needs.

    Very good!! :)

  4. Ack, I agree with this so much. Songs like "No Air" sound romantic and cute, but I'm not sure there's a whole lot of romance to the idea that you need someone that much. It puts an unfair amount of pressure on people, and it opens you up to so much heart ache. And honestly, it's wicked hard to lose someone you love a lot, but you can survive. The idea that you couldn't live without someone is both superficial and sad. You are your own person as well.

    Anyway, great post, and sorry I'm a little late commenting. I've been having some internet troubles. :P

    1. *nods* Absolutely. Couldn't have said it better myself :)

      Thank you! And pfft, don't worry about it! I'm just glad to get the comment, lol, no matter when it comes. :)
      Aw man, that's annoying. Hope they're sorted out now!

  5. Aw, this is a great discussion point! I really can't say I disagree with you on any one point, but I do want to add that while many people view marriage/love as a 50%+50%=100% kind of deal, they are wrong. Any relationship where you need another human being to make you feel like a whole person is bound to be unhealthy because, like you said, that creates a dependency bound to be unhealthy. You both have to be 100% because otherwise the relationship is going to swing against one or both of the participants.

    In the end, I refer back to the best marriage advice I believe I have ever heard, courtesy of Helen Thermopolis in Princess Diaries 2: "Marriage is about being yourself, but with someone else." And if you are not your own 100%, then how can you be yourself with someone else, I ask you?

    1. Thank you! And absolutely! Both people have to be 100% alone because, like I said, another human isn't going to make you 100% either.

      And yeah, that is great marriage advice! Gonna have to add that to my list of favorite quotes. :)

  6. Despite having very very very little knowledge and/or experience in the field of loving someone, I definitely agree with you. Even in a relationship, I would like to be my own person, thank you very much. And I want the other person to feel that way too - I don't want someone to complete me, and I don't want to complete someone.

    Great post! You brought a really good point.

    1. Haha, like I said in one of the above comments I don't have much experience in the field myself. But I think it's important to take your stand and decide what you believe before you get into the relationship, before all those feelings and hormones even get involved. :)

      Thank you! I'm glad you agree. :D

  7. Can I just reply to this with a big, fat, "I AGREE." lol. I don't know if there is anything else to say; you've already said it all. :O I MUST SAY. I LOVED-- actually, who am I kidding? Trying to pick out a part of this post that I especially loved is too hard. XD I don't have any experience in this area, but I know that one day when I am at dating/marrying-age and everything, I want this: "I want to be one of two people, each complete in Jesus, coming together in marriage to form one better, stronger team." (qu. Alexa S. Winters :D ). I hope I don't sound cliché, but that seriously sums it up to the tee. ;D This was an awesome post!

    1. THANK YOU! Hehe, glad you liked it and I'm glad you agree! :D


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