Hiya!
- Alexa Mintah
- Alexandria, better known as Alex or Alexa, is a strange Christian-fangirl-YA-writer medley tucked away in an undisclosed location in Virginia. She loves creating worlds out of keystrokes, discovering adorable ships (platonic or romantic), and becoming besties with clever characters who wow her with love and brilliance. When only half spellbound by her many worlds of words, she can be found working amongst the stacks in her local library.
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Blog Archive
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2014
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September
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- Melodic Mondays: Scars by Jonny Diaz
- Thoughtful Thursdays: Book Review: Verily, A New H...
- Melodic Mondays: For Good
- Story Snippet Saturday: Monthly Linkup: Zephyra of...
- Thoughtful Thursdays: Note to Self
- Melodic Mondays: Moonlight by Yiruma
- Thoughtful Thursdays: Guest Post with Mariella Hun...
- Melodic Mondays: Boys Don’t Cry by Plumb
- Shipping Saturday: Anakin and Padme/Star Wars
- Melodic Mondays: He Knows My Name by Francesca Bat...
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September
(10)
Now I'm really curious to learn what happens next. It's such a curious idea, and I would love to know both how she got in this situation and where exactly she's going. I like her dialogue, too. She sounds very solid in how she talks and what she thinks, which is good.
ReplyDeleteIf I had to make one suggestion, I would want to really up the emotional tension, or explain how everyone keeps their emotions in check. I mean, Zephyra, relation-wise, was pretty close to the chief, they're a close knit group, and so execution could be really sad. And maybe it's just like a value of her tribe not to be super emotional, but I'd still want to see that in writing.
Oh, and I like how you introduce the uncle.
I like what I've read so far, and interested to see more, if you get there!
Thanks! I'm thinking about making this my NaNo story, so I'll definitely keep your suggestions in mind!
DeleteSounds interesting. It looks like the makings of a cool story. I spotted a few writing errors, but I liked the visual. I'd like to see this kind of story expanded. :)
ReplyDeleteStori Tori's Blog
Thank you! What sort of writing errors did you see? So I can fix them :)
DeleteHere is what I found. Good stuff over all though. :) I just think it could be smoothed.
Delete"and I hear their cries hidden in fake coughs." ~ I think you could rephrase to cut out "hear".
“If you had gone to war with the Koraks, there would have been slaughter,” I say, and my uncle's eye twitches. He knows it. “If I was in their compound, you would not attack. You would all...” I gasp, trying not to look at Emerich, as a sob burns my throat, “you would all be safe.” ~ "... my uncle's eye twitches. He knows it." This is crowding Zephyra's dialogue. He needs his own line.
Fury starts to simmer, usurping my fear, but what can I say? ~ Can you show these emotions a little more?
He grabs my chin, jerking it up, and a strangled protest emits from the guard on my left – my uncle's brother. My father. ~ I think you should have told these were her parents earlier. I'm not sure why she would refer to her parents as guards. It didn't seem natural.
So I look into my uncle's eyes, burning with fury, burning with hatred, burning with the tiniest grain of hurt now that no one can see him but me. “There is no place for cowardice in the tribe Azani.” ~ I'm not sure who is speaking here since you have description about Zephyra and her uncle.
He pushes me away again, and the mask falls back down. ~ You need to foreshadow this mask. I've read this over twice and I couldn't see where it was mentioned.
"he asks, his eyes on the ground, his back to me." ~ You don't really need the "he asked" this is true with some "he says" in other instances. Often you can just replace it with description to show more emotion and take up less words.
"though their cheeks are wetter than ever." ~ I think you need to define these are tears since it could be mistaken as rain water or something else and conflict with your visual since you used "wet" twice.
"my uncle shouts, a full minute after the last affirmative." ~ What happened during this full minute? A lot of stuff can happen in this time. Was their silence? Talking? Did Zephyra start to lose her nerve?
"My supporters' shouts were deafening, booming farther, roaring louder than my opponents'. Perhaps the Koraks even heard them, far as they must've traveled by now." ~ You switched to past tense here.
"My father's fingers twitch, but he does not release me. My mother on my right is the same. Neither of them have given an answer either way. Do they think they will escape?" ~ They need to be mentioned at the beginning. If her parents are being used as guards that would be intriguing to me up front.
I enjoyed it, but since you asked for some critique, here are my thoughts. :) I hope they help.
Thank you so much for your critique! I will definitely keep it all in mind. :D
Delete