When I first read the Twilight series, while there were a lot of things I didn ’ t like about it, I think that my overall reaction was more...

Ten Ridiculous Things In Twilight That Kept Me From Becoming A Twi-Hard

Alexa Mintah

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When I first read the Twilight series, while there were a lot of things I didn’t like about it, I think that my overall reaction was more positive than negative (though I’d never have admitted to that as most of my friends despised the series). The farther I got from my original reading though, and the more I read other’s opinions and noticed things about Twilight that I hadn’t seen when I was twelve and thirteen, the more negative and annoyed my thoughts became. And the more I broadcasted about them.

I tell you all of this so that one, you understand my long and complicated history with Twilight, and two, so that you understand how difficult it was for me to swallow my pride and gush about it last week. That was around four or five years of bad opinions that I had to retract, so when I said I was choking on my pride, I wasn’t exactly joking. Well, maybe a little. But anyways, now that I finally get a whole post to rant about the things I don’t like in Twilight now and never did, rather than softening my opinions and giving a gentle critique like I normally do, I shall be unashamedly snippy, sarcastic, and honestly rather rude. I hope you are prepared.

Also, there will be spoilers. You have been warned.

Without further ado...

1. Edward’s Horrible Mood Swings: Remember how I said last week that up to a certain point, I really liked the beginning? Well, that certain point is the entrance of Edward “Mood Swing Master” Cullen. This guy is the ultimate “I love you, I love you not.” It’s like he hates her, then he likes her, then he saves her life, then he hates her again... Obviously she’s getting whiplash trying to follow this numbskull’s moods, and it’s only making her more interested in him rather than allowing her to just forget about him and move on, like Eddie keeps saying she needs to do but isn’t particularly helping with.

Now, yes, having read the whole series, I understand the reasons behind his moodiness--if you don’t, he’s a vampire, went to school while he was “thirsty,” and all of the sudden Little Miss Bella pops out of nowhere and her blood is the most delicious thing he’s smelled in over a hundred years. In his own words, “It was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me.” (Flattering, really.) Then he fell in love with her (somehow, still not sure how that went down), saved her life with his sparkly vampire powers (and she saw it), and then couldn’t decide whether to tell her the truth... or just kill her (because apparently that was an option). Understandably, there’s some turmoil there. But you want to know something? I don’t care. He was an idiot for going to school while he was “thirsty” in the first place, and besides that, he’d been doing the vamp thing for a hundred years. One would think he’d build up some kind of acting skills by then.

And I mean, seriously if she bothered him that much the first day, instead of sitting next to her and glowering for a full forty minutes, why didn’t he just pretend to feel sick, or like he was gonna faint, or like something he ate at lunch didn’t agree with him? Just check out, genius. I may not go to public school, but I’m pretty sure hall passes are a thing.

2. The Cullens’... Lack of Intelligence: For having lived several hundred years collectively, the Cullens are not very smart. Or perhaps more fairly, not very good at blending in. From the moment they come onto the page, it’s crystal clear that everyone in the school thinks the Cullens are weird. From the insanely “graceful” way they move to the fact that they never eat at lunchtime: they just sit alone with their trays in front of them, chat amongst themselves, and then toss the food on their way out their door. THERE ARE HUNGRY KIDS ALL OVER THE WORLD THAT COULD’VE EATEN THAT FOOD, but no, they just sit there, drawing attention to themselves by ostracizing the general populace and not eating a single bite. Ever.

And I mean, yeah, I know that they didn’t like eating real food because to them it tasted like dirt, but you know something? I don’t care about that either. If you are physically capable of putting food in your mouth, chewing it, and swallowing it, then do so. If you want to keep your differences secret, blend in. Don’t force yourself to stand out! DO YOU WANT TO BE DISCOVERED OR DON’T YOU?

Actually, you know what, I take that back. Just forget it all, and homeschool the lot of them. Problem solved.

3. All The Boys Are In Love With Bella: Most of my opinions on this subject are really another post for another time and they’re probably not what you’re thinking, but I’ll do my best to summarize: as I’ve mentioned in other posts, some girls have trouble feeling good about their looks. So the fact that people fall in love with Bella and tell her she’s beautiful even though she doesn’t see it isn’t necessarily cause to roll one’s eyes and throw said book against the wall. It happens.

HOWEVER. From the moment she enters Forks, Bella has like every boy in school begging for her attention, and it’s ridiculous. I can roll with her having body image issues, then having a boy or two come along and tell her how pretty she is in their eyes. That would be cute. That would be sweet. I would like that a lot.

But nearly every boy that had dialogue? Please. Let’s be serious.  

4. Edward Is Downright Infuriating: I’m sorry to come back to this, but seriously. His ridiculous, not-really-mystery routine is absolutely maddening. Honestly. Bella actually had personality and potential at the beginning, but YOU WITH YOUR EXASPERATING SPLIT PERSONALITY, AND YOUR I-HAVE-A-SECRET-BUT-I-CAN’T-TELL-YOU-BUT-I-LIKE-YOU-SO-I’LL-JUST-HAVE-A-HUNDRED-MOOD-SWINGS-AND-DRIVE-YOU-INSANE-HEHEHEHEHE IS RUINING IT. Just make up your mind and stick to it: either you’re going to start a relationship with this girl or you’re going to disappear and let her move on with her life. Just make the choice and follow through.

(I did say that I would complain extensively about him in this post. Did you think I was lying?)

5. Bella Is Pathetic: Before they’re even in a relationship, back at the part where they’re still just annoying the heck out of each other all the time, a thing happens: Bella gets kinda sick, and Edward ends up driving her home (don’t ask questions, it’ll take too long to explain). When he drops her off, even though they’re not even friends and it can barely be said that they like each other, Bella is apparently “engulfed with gloom” at the thought of not seeing him until the next day.

But she doesn’t even like him. All they ever do is argue and smirk and glare at each other. I mean, is he really that beautiful? What about him draws her? I don’t understand, someone please explain it to me. WHY IN THE WORLD DOES SHE CARE?????

Which brings me to...

6. Bella Is Strangely Obsessed With Edward: Like seriously. This need to figure out the truth about him is not normal. Edward’s the sort of weird guy you spend a little while try to figure out, then eventually write off because he clearly only exists to annoy you to the very edge of your sanity. But no. Bella must know the truth. And I don’t understand why. I mean, yeah, Ed is clearly keeping a secret and he’s highly annoying and there’s something about him that’s just not quite right. But the extent to which she is obsessed with him? Researching constantly, thinking about him endlessly, dreaming about him? I mean, like I said, he’s definitely weird but he’s not killing anyone, so leave the boy alone. Why does she have to know? Did she read too many Nancy Drew novels as a kid? Is she in the same withdrawal I am because Sherlock hasn’t been on in forever? What is with her? I don’t understand why she cares this much, and apparently, neither does she: there’s a part in the book where she says she knows she’s being stupid and pathetic, but she just can’t help herself. But I say, negative. If you know you’re being stupid and pathetic, then stahp. For my sanity, if nothing else.

But no. My sanity was not to be saved.

7. Edward Is Also Strangely Obsessed With Bella: I mean, he freaking stalks her. And watches her while she sleeps. Who does he think he is, Santa Claus?

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8. Bella Swan Is Quite Possibly The Stupidest Person To Ever Walk The Earth: I think when she met Edward, her brain died and oozed invisibly out of her ears. There are several moments in the book that totally support this theory, but the worst one of all is right when they’re starting to get to know each other. Once Ed has finally given up his mystery routine, told her the truth already, and I’m starting to see the part where I actually might like him, there’s this scene where Bella wants Eddie to show her what happens when he’s in sunlight. He eventually agrees, but as this is still around the beginning of their relationship, he’s kind of worried about getting a little peckish during their outing and sucking all her blood out. So even though he agrees to go off into the woods and show her (because, you know, there’s no way he could just refuse and keep her safe that way), he’s kinda hoping she’ll get cold feet and back out, so he won’t have the pressure of possibly killing her.

Of course she refuses to back out, because she trusts him--supposedly. But what she does do is lie to all of her family and friends saying that she won’t be with Edward that day, so that if Edward does kill her, he won’t take the blame.

...

In case you were as confused about that as I was, Bella is worried that Edward might kill her. But she’s not worried about the fact that she’ll be dead. No, she’s worried about the trouble it will cause for Edward if he kills her. One might argue that maybe she wasn’t too worried about him killing her, but if she goes to the trouble of lying to all her family and friends (and she’s not a pathological liar), she’s obviously at least a little bit concerned. But instead of, I don’t know, not hanging out with a vampire, the logical course of action is obviously to lie to everyone you know, so if you do happen to end up in the woods somewhere, completely drained of your life substance, at least your new vampire boyfriend will not get the blame.

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9. Small plotholes: This might be a little nitpicky, but I’m on a roll, so I’m going for it anyway: there are a few small plotholes that I noticed and, as I was already rather annoyed with everyone, the plotholes bothered me way more than they probably should have. Like that part where Bella’s been bitten by a vampire and they need to suck out the poison and Eddie’s all “Carlisle, I can’t do it. I might kill her,” and Carlisle’s all, “I gotta take care of this bleeding in her leg, Ed, so you’re on your own.” Well, Ed is later revealed to have two freaking medical degrees. So why couldn’t Edward stop the bleeding and Carlisle suck out the blood? I mean, regardless, Ed was going to be around her sweet-smelling, life-giving liquid. So why not put him in the situation where he’d risk her life the least?

Also, Carl, you’re a vampire with super speed. Why can’t you manage both simultaneously?

*sighs* Perhaps there is a really good reason for all of this, and I’m just being mean now. But I have allowed myself one day to be completely rude, so I’m not going to care.

10. The Lost Potential: Maybe this isn’t actually a thing I disliked, but I really want to mention it so I shall: People say that, without the love triangle, Twilight is just about a whiny girl who moves to a rainy town and cries a lot, and that may or may not be true. But without the love triangle and the supernatural elements, I think the story had the chance to be a very interesting contemporary about moving, making new friends, and, well, finding yourself, for lack of a better term. Sure, there are a billion on that, but I think this setting and these characters really could’ve brought something new to the table. Like I was saying last week, I really enjoyed the beginning before things got all supernatural and crazy. And I just feel like, had Eddie never come into her life, Bella’s story really had the chance to be a deep and entertaining contemporary.

But I suppose we shall never know what might have been.

***

And there is my super long, possibly incoherent Twilight post.

To sum up my thoughts from this post and the last, I think I’d give Twilight a solid 3 stars out of 5, even though it’s not a mediocre book. It has some really good parts that super stand out to me and make me want to love everything, and then some really bad parts that make me disgusted and infuriated with everything and everyone within a twenty-mile radius. In the end, all that evens out.

I’m still not feeling the hype, though. I can see it, waving at me from afar, surrounded by a group of fangirls, but I personally cannot feel it. If you do though, don’t let my opinions hinder you. These are the rantings of only one girl, and truth be told, she’s been a part of some pretty crazy fandoms. :)

So, have you ever read Twilight? Do you agree with my assessment? Disagree? What’s a book you’ve read that annoyed you like crazy but gave you feelings at the same time? I would super love to hear from you. :)

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